More updates!

So in my last post i didn't get to say everything because it has really been a long time. In the last year i have managed to step somewhat outside of my shell. My sister in law joined the community choir around August last year and i guess i just went crazy or something because i joined too.  I am in the soprano section (she's an alto) and somehow i've become the choir's secretary. Blame her, she volunteered me. After which i volunteered her as my assistant so the joke's on her. The people in the choir are great though. For the most part we are all a nice and close knit group. Even when we're messing with each other we're doing it in a non-malicious way.

 It's a non-denominational choir too so all of use go to different churches (except me who rarely goes to church at all). That's actually really nice. I like getting different views on things and being around people who can acknowledge that their way isn't the only way to do things. It's actually made me want to go to church more than once a month. But then i go and i remember that the people in the choir aren't representative of the people in the church. Many people at church do have a "my way or go to hell (literally!)" mindset or a holier than thou attitude and that's always rubbed me the wrong way.

I don't think I ever posted exactly why i stopped going to church regularly. It wasn't a loss of faith, it was a disillusionment with the people in church. When i was 9 or 10 Howell took over Grace permanently. He had been there before but he was going back and forth between Cali and NYC so we had other pastors. I liked most of those pastors. H came permanently and the atmosphere of church changed a bit. There were always prideful people and people more concerned with appearances than God. As a child you don't see that as much. You see your friends, your family, and God. that's it. Or that's how it was for me. But then he came and screwed it all up. Or maybe that was just when i started noticing things. He was always nice and attentive to women. All women but his wife. And women who were not yet women. If they were over 12 and not blood related they were fair game. Which a friend of my mother's found out. They dated (had an affair), she got pregnant, the church turned on her (she was 18 when she got pregnant and younger when they started sleeping together) and made it out to be her fault. As if he, the older man hadn't take advantage of her. They even refused to believe it was his. Even though everyone knew what a womanizer he was it was like they wanted to stick their heads in the sand. Mom stopped going and Daddy stopped going too. I decided to stop going because the church no longer felt like God was present.

It wasn't just H. Women and men would exchange partners regardless of whether or not they were married. The older teens had all made their rounds. Well, mostly. My brother ended up marrying M, who is H's adopted daughter. They actually only started dating after verifying that neither of them had slept with anyone else at church. Especially with any of the women because one of them is passing around herpes like party favors. Yes Howell tried stuff with her. No he didn't get anywhere but that is because she slept with a knife. But I'm not sure how much him not getting anywhere is true sometimes. Sometimes she tells a story from when she was younger and doesn't even realize that some of what she's saying is wrong.  Her mother (who isn't her biological mother but her biological aunt) refused to believe her and her sister when she told them of the abuse. She believed him. To this day i can't forgive that woman for this and i only found out a few years ago. I like her but i cannot respect her or trust her judgement. M is damaged and doesn't even realize it. Her sister is much worse off.

So no matter what i find it hard to trust people at church. I wonder what skeletons are in their closet, what lies their smiles are hiding, and who is the pervert in this particular church. Sometimes i go to a church with the choir and i can feel God so much that i don't think of that. I like that. But then service ends and the feeling is gone. All i can hear are the chattering of the congregation's voices and the fake smiles women and men wear when they really just want to go home and put on comfortable clothes. And then i start to wonder...