More updates!

So in my last post i didn't get to say everything because it has really been a long time. In the last year i have managed to step somewhat outside of my shell. My sister in law joined the community choir around August last year and i guess i just went crazy or something because i joined too.  I am in the soprano section (she's an alto) and somehow i've become the choir's secretary. Blame her, she volunteered me. After which i volunteered her as my assistant so the joke's on her. The people in the choir are great though. For the most part we are all a nice and close knit group. Even when we're messing with each other we're doing it in a non-malicious way.

 It's a non-denominational choir too so all of use go to different churches (except me who rarely goes to church at all). That's actually really nice. I like getting different views on things and being around people who can acknowledge that their way isn't the only way to do things. It's actually made me want to go to church more than once a month. But then i go and i remember that the people in the choir aren't representative of the people in the church. Many people at church do have a "my way or go to hell (literally!)" mindset or a holier than thou attitude and that's always rubbed me the wrong way.

I don't think I ever posted exactly why i stopped going to church regularly. It wasn't a loss of faith, it was a disillusionment with the people in church. When i was 9 or 10 Howell took over Grace permanently. He had been there before but he was going back and forth between Cali and NYC so we had other pastors. I liked most of those pastors. H came permanently and the atmosphere of church changed a bit. There were always prideful people and people more concerned with appearances than God. As a child you don't see that as much. You see your friends, your family, and God. that's it. Or that's how it was for me. But then he came and screwed it all up. Or maybe that was just when i started noticing things. He was always nice and attentive to women. All women but his wife. And women who were not yet women. If they were over 12 and not blood related they were fair game. Which a friend of my mother's found out. They dated (had an affair), she got pregnant, the church turned on her (she was 18 when she got pregnant and younger when they started sleeping together) and made it out to be her fault. As if he, the older man hadn't take advantage of her. They even refused to believe it was his. Even though everyone knew what a womanizer he was it was like they wanted to stick their heads in the sand. Mom stopped going and Daddy stopped going too. I decided to stop going because the church no longer felt like God was present.

It wasn't just H. Women and men would exchange partners regardless of whether or not they were married. The older teens had all made their rounds. Well, mostly. My brother ended up marrying M, who is H's adopted daughter. They actually only started dating after verifying that neither of them had slept with anyone else at church. Especially with any of the women because one of them is passing around herpes like party favors. Yes Howell tried stuff with her. No he didn't get anywhere but that is because she slept with a knife. But I'm not sure how much him not getting anywhere is true sometimes. Sometimes she tells a story from when she was younger and doesn't even realize that some of what she's saying is wrong.  Her mother (who isn't her biological mother but her biological aunt) refused to believe her and her sister when she told them of the abuse. She believed him. To this day i can't forgive that woman for this and i only found out a few years ago. I like her but i cannot respect her or trust her judgement. M is damaged and doesn't even realize it. Her sister is much worse off.

So no matter what i find it hard to trust people at church. I wonder what skeletons are in their closet, what lies their smiles are hiding, and who is the pervert in this particular church. Sometimes i go to a church with the choir and i can feel God so much that i don't think of that. I like that. But then service ends and the feeling is gone. All i can hear are the chattering of the congregation's voices and the fake smiles women and men wear when they really just want to go home and put on comfortable clothes. And then i start to wonder...

Life in the slow lane

So it's been a long time since my last post. Since no one reads this, it's ok, right? I have a lot to say but i have no idea how much will make it out of my head.

I am almost finish with my master's degree. That's right, final class and almost done with that. I'm not at all where i want to be in my life. I haven't retaken the GRE yet, which is horrible because there is no way i can get into a good PhD program if i don't. I am -slowly- taking the Kaplan self study course  for it. The site says i should be ready to retake in November. I also have not gotten letters of recommendation from my undergrad teachers which is way worse than not retaking the GRE. How will they react when i turn up out of the blue to ask them for a recommendation? Which teachers should i ask? Can i get away with mostly sending in work references? I have only a few months to do these things becasue most program app deadlines are in December. A few go until February but still, i have to light a fire under my butt.

With the end of a program comes the return of student loan payments. Except i'm supposed to have 6 months from the end of my program. My bills don't seem to know that, so i have to call Sallie Mae. I hate calling these companies, you wait forever and then the person on the other end acts as if you're an annoyance or a criminal and you hardly ever get what you want done actually done.

I have a job so i can pay my loans if i can't get the deferral. Sort of anyway. I worked for a few months as a Field Interviewer for Westat and they ahve rehired me to work for them on another study starting in September. The work is by contract but it's interesting work, sort of in my field, and doesn't pay horribly. My base pay is 12.95 and i get paid mileage. The mileage pays better than the hourly base becaue of how much i have to drive so it's great. I sort of wish i was in the lab rather than being the grunt collecting data outside of it though. Now that i have my MS maybe that can happen?

I can't wait until the new contract starts. Literally because even if my loan payments aren't due just yet i have other bills to pay. Like my phone bill and credit card bill. I have just enough money to survive another month. Because stuff came up and i ended up having to pay for a few things i didn't intend to. So i'm holding on by a thread. I'm really just praying and hoping that nothing else comes up because i can't handle anything new being thrown at me. My life is moving at a snail's pace and i still can't handle it. How pathetic is that? 

Sweet Life

So I am living my life as I have for the past year, with little to complain about, other than the monotony of my days, the lack of any type of excitement or meaningful relationships other than those with family. But is that truly something to be down over? I have a roof over my head, I'm in school, no one is after me, I'm not bound for jail. But can i say that I'm happy? I don't know. I think I'm content. I'm definitely not unhappy. But happiness should feel different than this, right? To many in less desirable situations, I'm living the sweet life. I know this. But it's not quite sinking in as well as it should. Can't contentedness be enough?

Love

Caring/Contentment
Happiness/Euphoria
Togetherness/unselfishness
Friendship/Passion
open/Supportive
Warm/Attached
Acceptance/Closeness
Trust/Concern
Commitment/Empathy
Sharing/Sacrifice
Understanding/Forgiveness
Honesty/Respect

Thinking.

I want to fall in love. Not lust, that happens all to often. But real love. I want to find a person that i will wait a million years to say i love you to if i have to. A person that makes me weak and strong at the same time. Someone who has flaws that i love as well as they're good qualities. I'm around happy couples far too much. Happy couples like my parents who are reaching they're 26th year of marriage and like my brother and sister in law, who are reaching they're 2nd year of marriage. Even when things are hard they're happy. I wish i could say for sure i will find someone to be happy with, but even though i see them happy, i have friends that are not so happy. Some divorce times and again, and never find what they want. Others stay together but are miserable. I would rather be alone forever than be like some of my friends. The pain and hatred i see in them is too harsh. I'm much too fragile for that.

Carpe Diem

Carpe Diem,
says the man on the screen,
but the small television screen fails to tell me more
How? When? Where?
Everyday that goes by i must ask myself,
'Did i seize the day? How could this have gone better?'
The more i think, the less i do
And finally i realize,
the only way to do this is to stop,
forget
and just do it,
to borrow a copyrighted cliche.
Carpe Diem

Decisions..

Reading back, i realize there's still so much i haven't said. I am now double majoring. Rather than drop my Psychology major, i have merely added a history major. I was minoring in history, as you may recall, but came down to my last 3 credits in the minor and realized that i didn't want to stop taking history classes. Sure this means more work for me(infinitely so) and even more uncertainty about my future, but its worth it to learn some of the things i've always wanted to know about the past. And having 2 BA's will look good on a grad school application. If i can decide what i want to go to grad school for. On top of History or psychology Ph.D's, a Psy.D, Or M.A's in either field(with several subfields to each) there is also the possibility of going to med school, and now, neuroscience. Neuroscience is fascinating and a growing field. I like it enough to entertain thoughts of making this my primary field of study. I would, however, have to go to school far away from home. Decision making is not my strong point, until it's crunch time that is. Hopefully i will make the decision far before graduation, right?

On a completely unrelated note, i'm going to try and take some pics of campus. I'll post them here if i do, ok?

As of late

I have fallen in love with old poetry and old poems. My favorite, this month's darling, or perhaps this year's since i think i reread one of his poems in January, is Hafez. Why is it that the old words of those long gone that ring true now? What is it that they learned that wee fail to get even now? What is it about these words that make me envy the one that penned them so long ago? I read of his love and turn green with envy, jealous of one who became ash long ago. Then i am sad, and happy as well, happy that someone felt this, had this and shared it with the world, and sad that it wasn't me. Please god, let it someday be me.

Not on the lips of men Love's secret lies,
Remote and unrevealed his dwelling-place.
Oh Saki, come! the idle laughter dies
When thou the feast with heavenly wine dost grace.
Patience and wisdom, Hafiz, in a sea
Of thine own tears are drowned; thy misery
They could not still nor hide from curious eyes.

Back again

And nothing has changed. I am still jobless, almost friendless, and loveless. It is spring break now and i have not only gotten no work done, i have not even done anything that may be considered 'fun' in this particular day and age. I think i have hit pathetic. Or maybe i touched that level ages ago and am just now realizing it. In any case, my life is pretty much stagnant. A little back story to catch anyone reading this up, since my last post i have, applied to be an RA and summarily got turned down, applied for an internship but missed the application date, got a job but quit when it turned out to be one of those knife selling things, went dateless and friendless for Valentine's Day, volunteered at the Florida Conference of Historians, and wrote several depressing poems when, after the conference i found myself, as always, alone. Got all that? Good!
I know some of you, if anyone reads this are going, 'were you actually trying to hook up with someone at a history conference?' The answer to that is no. I did however spend all of one day and much of the next in the company of people that knew and were interested in many of the same things as me. I ate with them, i listened to their lectures and talked about life. And when it was over and they all left for vacation, or to spend time with boyfriends or on vacation, i went back to an empty dorm, with no one, not even a lizard to talk to. Talk about emo inducing atmospheres. I was not in a mood that called for silence and solitary dwellings. after all that companionship of like minded individuals i wanted more. That absence made me realize that no matter how irritating my friends get i'll be with them as much as they can stand me. Except that time of the month. No one should be subjected to me then, honestly.

Yet i know that this resolution of mine will, like many resolutions, fall by the wayside when i get irritated or tired. I will count on you to remind me of what i have promised, deal?

It's been

5 seconds since my last post, but i have so much to say! I am still living in the same dorm, with Joanne, as well as two other girls, Maddie(Madeline) and Stephanie(called Steph by everyone but me). Their neurotic, loud friend Eric also lives here, or may as well. I am still friends with Joanne, but she, like most other girls i manage to be friends with(i cannot be around most women for long periods of time, too annoying) is becoming a sister rather than a friend. And while you love sisters and other siblings, you don't always like them. I like her most of the time though, and that's good enough for me. I don't have many friends, so i will stick with the ones i do have until they are fed up with me. I think most friends sort of take me for granted though. I'm always here, i don't ask for much, and i'm really just happy to be with them when they have time. They're my only connection to the rest of the world sometimes. But sometimes i feel smothered, and other times abandoned. But maybe everyone feels this way. I was alone so much when i was younger that the smothered part is pretty easy to understand. But they don't seem to get that sometimes i want my books and words of dead people half forgotten rather than to go skating or to a game. Not their fault. So it's not really taking me for granted as much as they are not getting that i need/want solitude and togetherness alternatively. Lately i've been needing solitude. I feel like i'm losing touch with myself. I feel like i'm someone else and i can't find my way back to whatever it was that i identified as me. Hopefully i'll find it before i've burned all my bridges.

My brother comes home next month. Hopefully this is his last tour and he will leave the army. I don't like the thought of him going back to some dangerous place that he's not even allowed to confirm he's in. We hear from him every few weeks, he sees his daughter over webcam, but it will be better when he is home. Lol. a few months of him being around and i'll probably wish him gone. Horrible, i know. But he IS my brother. Sleep now. After my daily dose of nicotine. I think i should quit. But by now, you know my willpower is null.