It's been

5 seconds since my last post, but i have so much to say! I am still living in the same dorm, with Joanne, as well as two other girls, Maddie(Madeline) and Stephanie(called Steph by everyone but me). Their neurotic, loud friend Eric also lives here, or may as well. I am still friends with Joanne, but she, like most other girls i manage to be friends with(i cannot be around most women for long periods of time, too annoying) is becoming a sister rather than a friend. And while you love sisters and other siblings, you don't always like them. I like her most of the time though, and that's good enough for me. I don't have many friends, so i will stick with the ones i do have until they are fed up with me. I think most friends sort of take me for granted though. I'm always here, i don't ask for much, and i'm really just happy to be with them when they have time. They're my only connection to the rest of the world sometimes. But sometimes i feel smothered, and other times abandoned. But maybe everyone feels this way. I was alone so much when i was younger that the smothered part is pretty easy to understand. But they don't seem to get that sometimes i want my books and words of dead people half forgotten rather than to go skating or to a game. Not their fault. So it's not really taking me for granted as much as they are not getting that i need/want solitude and togetherness alternatively. Lately i've been needing solitude. I feel like i'm losing touch with myself. I feel like i'm someone else and i can't find my way back to whatever it was that i identified as me. Hopefully i'll find it before i've burned all my bridges.

My brother comes home next month. Hopefully this is his last tour and he will leave the army. I don't like the thought of him going back to some dangerous place that he's not even allowed to confirm he's in. We hear from him every few weeks, he sees his daughter over webcam, but it will be better when he is home. Lol. a few months of him being around and i'll probably wish him gone. Horrible, i know. But he IS my brother. Sleep now. After my daily dose of nicotine. I think i should quit. But by now, you know my willpower is null.