Love

Caring/Contentment
Happiness/Euphoria
Togetherness/unselfishness
Friendship/Passion
open/Supportive
Warm/Attached
Acceptance/Closeness
Trust/Concern
Commitment/Empathy
Sharing/Sacrifice
Understanding/Forgiveness
Honesty/Respect

Thinking.

I want to fall in love. Not lust, that happens all to often. But real love. I want to find a person that i will wait a million years to say i love you to if i have to. A person that makes me weak and strong at the same time. Someone who has flaws that i love as well as they're good qualities. I'm around happy couples far too much. Happy couples like my parents who are reaching they're 26th year of marriage and like my brother and sister in law, who are reaching they're 2nd year of marriage. Even when things are hard they're happy. I wish i could say for sure i will find someone to be happy with, but even though i see them happy, i have friends that are not so happy. Some divorce times and again, and never find what they want. Others stay together but are miserable. I would rather be alone forever than be like some of my friends. The pain and hatred i see in them is too harsh. I'm much too fragile for that.

Carpe Diem

Carpe Diem,
says the man on the screen,
but the small television screen fails to tell me more
How? When? Where?
Everyday that goes by i must ask myself,
'Did i seize the day? How could this have gone better?'
The more i think, the less i do
And finally i realize,
the only way to do this is to stop,
forget
and just do it,
to borrow a copyrighted cliche.
Carpe Diem

Decisions..

Reading back, i realize there's still so much i haven't said. I am now double majoring. Rather than drop my Psychology major, i have merely added a history major. I was minoring in history, as you may recall, but came down to my last 3 credits in the minor and realized that i didn't want to stop taking history classes. Sure this means more work for me(infinitely so) and even more uncertainty about my future, but its worth it to learn some of the things i've always wanted to know about the past. And having 2 BA's will look good on a grad school application. If i can decide what i want to go to grad school for. On top of History or psychology Ph.D's, a Psy.D, Or M.A's in either field(with several subfields to each) there is also the possibility of going to med school, and now, neuroscience. Neuroscience is fascinating and a growing field. I like it enough to entertain thoughts of making this my primary field of study. I would, however, have to go to school far away from home. Decision making is not my strong point, until it's crunch time that is. Hopefully i will make the decision far before graduation, right?

On a completely unrelated note, i'm going to try and take some pics of campus. I'll post them here if i do, ok?

As of late

I have fallen in love with old poetry and old poems. My favorite, this month's darling, or perhaps this year's since i think i reread one of his poems in January, is Hafez. Why is it that the old words of those long gone that ring true now? What is it that they learned that wee fail to get even now? What is it about these words that make me envy the one that penned them so long ago? I read of his love and turn green with envy, jealous of one who became ash long ago. Then i am sad, and happy as well, happy that someone felt this, had this and shared it with the world, and sad that it wasn't me. Please god, let it someday be me.

Not on the lips of men Love's secret lies,
Remote and unrevealed his dwelling-place.
Oh Saki, come! the idle laughter dies
When thou the feast with heavenly wine dost grace.
Patience and wisdom, Hafiz, in a sea
Of thine own tears are drowned; thy misery
They could not still nor hide from curious eyes.

Back again

And nothing has changed. I am still jobless, almost friendless, and loveless. It is spring break now and i have not only gotten no work done, i have not even done anything that may be considered 'fun' in this particular day and age. I think i have hit pathetic. Or maybe i touched that level ages ago and am just now realizing it. In any case, my life is pretty much stagnant. A little back story to catch anyone reading this up, since my last post i have, applied to be an RA and summarily got turned down, applied for an internship but missed the application date, got a job but quit when it turned out to be one of those knife selling things, went dateless and friendless for Valentine's Day, volunteered at the Florida Conference of Historians, and wrote several depressing poems when, after the conference i found myself, as always, alone. Got all that? Good!
I know some of you, if anyone reads this are going, 'were you actually trying to hook up with someone at a history conference?' The answer to that is no. I did however spend all of one day and much of the next in the company of people that knew and were interested in many of the same things as me. I ate with them, i listened to their lectures and talked about life. And when it was over and they all left for vacation, or to spend time with boyfriends or on vacation, i went back to an empty dorm, with no one, not even a lizard to talk to. Talk about emo inducing atmospheres. I was not in a mood that called for silence and solitary dwellings. after all that companionship of like minded individuals i wanted more. That absence made me realize that no matter how irritating my friends get i'll be with them as much as they can stand me. Except that time of the month. No one should be subjected to me then, honestly.

Yet i know that this resolution of mine will, like many resolutions, fall by the wayside when i get irritated or tired. I will count on you to remind me of what i have promised, deal?

It's been

5 seconds since my last post, but i have so much to say! I am still living in the same dorm, with Joanne, as well as two other girls, Maddie(Madeline) and Stephanie(called Steph by everyone but me). Their neurotic, loud friend Eric also lives here, or may as well. I am still friends with Joanne, but she, like most other girls i manage to be friends with(i cannot be around most women for long periods of time, too annoying) is becoming a sister rather than a friend. And while you love sisters and other siblings, you don't always like them. I like her most of the time though, and that's good enough for me. I don't have many friends, so i will stick with the ones i do have until they are fed up with me. I think most friends sort of take me for granted though. I'm always here, i don't ask for much, and i'm really just happy to be with them when they have time. They're my only connection to the rest of the world sometimes. But sometimes i feel smothered, and other times abandoned. But maybe everyone feels this way. I was alone so much when i was younger that the smothered part is pretty easy to understand. But they don't seem to get that sometimes i want my books and words of dead people half forgotten rather than to go skating or to a game. Not their fault. So it's not really taking me for granted as much as they are not getting that i need/want solitude and togetherness alternatively. Lately i've been needing solitude. I feel like i'm losing touch with myself. I feel like i'm someone else and i can't find my way back to whatever it was that i identified as me. Hopefully i'll find it before i've burned all my bridges.

My brother comes home next month. Hopefully this is his last tour and he will leave the army. I don't like the thought of him going back to some dangerous place that he's not even allowed to confirm he's in. We hear from him every few weeks, he sees his daughter over webcam, but it will be better when he is home. Lol. a few months of him being around and i'll probably wish him gone. Horrible, i know. But he IS my brother. Sleep now. After my daily dose of nicotine. I think i should quit. But by now, you know my willpower is null.

It's been awhile..

and i'm sorry it has. I always have a better grip on my feeling, and myself in general really, after i've posted here. It helps that i know no one is actually reading this. Just another blog in an endless field of blogs. If someone is reading this, don't tell me. YHou'll make me paranoid, i'll start writing nonsense in an attempt to be more interesting. Don't believe me? Read my myspace blog. I abandoned that thing after i reread it and realised just how much shit i can shovel.

Since my last post, i've passed stat(yay me!) as well as all my other classes. I am now taking the last class in my history minor, Diplomatic history, as well as Experimental psychology, 2 lit classes, and dun dun dun, social science statistics. That's right, another stat class. But even better, this one is for my actual major. And i have to do an expereiment that incorporates stat and psych. Icing on the shit cake here is that my experimental psych class also incorporates stat. And i have to do another experiment in that class, which isn't bad, but the focus is on stats. I'm screwed. This is why i'm going into either teaching psych or social psych. I won't touch pure experimental with a ten foot barge pole. Of course that's a pipe dream, i've got lots of graphs in my future. Is it too late to go to med school?

Nah. If i'd change to anything, it would be to history. I really do like history. If historians made more money i'd jump on that train like a virgin on a prostitute. As it is, after i finish school and (hopefully) get a good job, i'm likely to go back to school for a B.A in history, except i'll take it slow. Just for my own enjoyment after all. And that's if i haven't been dragged off to debtor's prison or something. Bills after school are going to be monstrous. Maybe i should run off to the Dutch Antilles and live with my sister in law's family. They sound interesting.

As it is, i still don't have a job. Jobs are scarce down here and competition is fierce. So i'm going to bite the bullet and apply for a government job. Census takers get paid 12.75 an hour in this county, with compensation for gas and i think meals on the job. That's good enough for me and far better than nothing. I'm also applying to be and RA and an OL. I don't think i'll get either of those. But i can at least try. I'd work almost anywhere at this point. The feeling of not working is just disgusting. Slimy even. If i were rich i'd still work. Or just take so many classes that i wouldn't notice. And volunteer a lot. Being rich would be nice, yes.....

What was i saying? Right, i need a job. If someone actually is reading this and wants to hire me or knows someone that needs a cheap, eager to please employee, forget what i said about not letting me know you're there. Email me now!! Please. If any of my professors are reading this, if you need an assistant, pick me! I'll even tone down the attitude, free of charge(not really, you have to pay me for that).

I haven't written much lately. Or even had an interesting dreams. It's been a bad school year in terms of creativity. Hopefully my muse will come back.